I feel awful today. All stuffed up and lousy.
Didn't make it out of bed, but had work tonight.. Which was also awful. Just stressed and nothing was going right.
Couldn't get out of there quick enough.

I've been speaking to Him for the majority of the day. Bascially tried to get an explanation for everything he's done and tried to make a bit more sense of it all.
He managed to give me his reasons.. Not that they justify what he did in the slightest.. But I just needed to know what was going through his head.
I could have gone round and round in circles trying to get what I needed.. But I don't think I know what I need. There's nothing he could say to make me feel any less worthless.
No matter what, I need time.

He's told me what he wants..
I just need to decide if I can.

I know people cheat, again it doesn't make it right, but couples get through it.. Maybe it was the kick up the arse he needed to realise what he already should have known.
..I just wish he didn't have to have broken my heart in the process.
I find myself doubting everything he says. The way he feels about me and that he really wants me.
I shan't go into exactly what was said.. But I'm meeting him tomorrow.
Just to talk.
My stomach's in knots and in a way I'm dreading it. I'm dreading laying eyes on him, and just seeing him in a completely different way.

I hate this.
But all I can do is see how it goes.

Until tomorrow,
Laura, xoxo.

Antics.

I haven't updated this since Thursday, it's been a busy weekend!

One that I'm still feeling the effects of now.

Went out on Friday night as planned, met Darren in Revolution and decided to order drinks whilst waiting for Jon and Dan. Large white wine, a pint of stella and a tray of 6 vodka shots, flavours included: Parma Violets, Watermelon and Bubblegum.

3 words; Vile, vile.. And vile. Each shot was washed down with a heavy gulp of wine.

Buy one get one free on cocktails too.. Can't go wrong. A Purple Rain for me, and a White Russian for Darren.

Now, having not eaten a single thing in 5 days, it's fair to say I was well on my way.

Another 2 bottles of wine down between me and Darren in Yates's.. Well, it's all a bit of a blur.

Oh, the hangover.

Several hours later.. On it again.

Out with Alison etc. Wine is so not my friend. Dancing to Guns'n'Roses in Yates's, one of the highlights.

In all honestly I don't remember an awful lot. And as for the names of the 2 guys in Liquid, your guess is as good as mine.

If I remembered an awful lot more, I'd fill you in.

All I'll say about work on Sunday is; nightmare. Still drunk and not having eaten or drank anything non alcoholic since.. God knows when, it was torture.

But this weekend did me the world of good. I mean yes, I'd love to have somebody to spend the night in with, cooking for eachother, wine and a film. But let's face it, I'm 18 years old, there's plenty of time for that in the future.

And who knows who's going to come along.

Let's just have fun in the mean time.

To the single life,

Laura, xoxo.

A Milano with Cardinale

It'd seem like eBay is the way forward. Arsehole shop minion only offering me 'store credit' or a replacement for His present.
Maybe I should have stuck with Daniels plan; I get refused a refund, in steps Daniel..

"Look! The guy's a dickhead, she wants her money, don't make me stick your head in that till!!"

..Cue tears.

If I'm completely honest, there's a part of me that feels like I should just give it back to him. I took it back in anger, but at the end of the day, it was a gift.

Then comes along the nagging thought of 'Don't you even think about it, look at what he did to you. He's not worth it!'

I favour this thought. This thought leaves me £90 in pocket.

So, eBay it is! With a £65 'Buy it Now!'.. I guess I'd be happy with that. It's enough for a pretty little number for me.

Had a lovely day with Daniel though. Still sticking to the whole 'keeping myself busy' thaaaang. Going again tomorrow to buy a dress for tomorrow night.

Work this evening was a complete drag. Couldn't have gone quick enough!

Saw an adorable velvet body-con dress in the vintage shop. Going to try that on and have a bit of a browse!

Actually looking forward to tomorrow night, heading to Soar Point and Revolution with Jon. Should be a laugh! Just what I need.

Until tomorrow...

Laura, xoxo.

First Date to Heartbreak.

It would seem it's time for a completely new start. As much as I hate to admit, I need to deal with this and move on.

I could never have imagined I'd be put through this by him. From lifting up his shirt, completely off my face, to flirting uncontrollably at Big Brother and the first time he put his arms around me. The night ending with that first kiss. It's fair to say I was hooked.
The first date; The Hangover. The excitement and the butterflies. Holding his hand and neither of us having the courage to kiss until part way through the film.
I still have the ticket.

In the following weeks, I fell hard and fast. Meeting the friends and His parents. But being absolutely terrified to get into a relationship.

The moment I fell in love with him.
After a night out in Leicester, walking home, he broke down pouring his heart out to me.
I fell for him completely, right on the spot. I wanted to tell him there and then. But even I thought it was too soon.
We made it home and to bed. Laying there the next morning I couldn't keep my eyes off of him.
I couldn't not say it.
'I love you'
3 words. I couldn't have meant them more.

I was devastated when I was left in the lurch for 3 weeks, although I only had myself to blame. There was no denying I was crazy about Him, after 2 years of being treated like complete shit and being shoved around, followed by another 2 years of guys that meant nothing to me.. I was petrified.
I've never missed anybody so much.

Monday 21st September.
After 3 weeks of thinking i was never to see Him again, Daniel and I spent the day together in Leicester. Went for lunch and a fair few drinks. Only to be told he was meeting Him later that evening..
I had to see him.
Sitting at a table with Daniel, I saw Him come in. With my stomach in knots he walked over to the table.
Grey slouchy beanie and his blue and white checked shirt.

God he was gorgeous.

Dickhead over here couldn't manage a single word to him.
Long story short, I left not all that long after.

The next day, I couldn't believe it when I got a message from him.
Simply saying it was good to have seen me yesterday.
I must admit, I felt angry that he just up and left like that, and had nothing to say for himself. No explanation.

Sunday 26th September
This was the next time I saw him. Me, Daniel, Matt and Alistair had gone swimming.. Him too. Plus his ex girlfriend.
Jesus Christ, talk about slap me in the face.
I held my head high, was polite to her, said few words to him and got on with it.
Later that night after he took her home, me and Him were laying on the bed, Daniel at the computer. I asked him to get my cardigan that I'd left in the car those weeks before.
He told me he would, and that he had a letter for me.
After nagging him for 5 minutes he went and fetched them. Reading that letter, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
I took him outside to talk to him. I got the explanation I was looking for and we spoke about Us.
'So have I got a boyfriend then?'
'Yes. Have I got a girlfriend?'
'...Yes'

Head over heels, over the moon crazy about this boy.
I'd never felt like this before.

"I love you, boyfriend/girlfriend" was said countless times over the next few months.

Things were perfect. We didn't argue or fall out. We met the families. Spoke about our future. Made plans. We even spent a week in Ireland together with my Nanna.
Anybody and everybody that spent time with us always commented on how good we were together, they couldn't believe it.
Everything about us felt right. If anything, I was falling more and more in love with him each day. Waking up to his texts in the morning, waiting for his phonecalls every lunchtime, never feeling safer than when I was in his arms.
I loved everything about him, the way he smelt, the way he laughed, the way he'd rub his eyes in the morning, the way he could make me laugh, his little lovehandles, the way he'd walk around in his grey joggers and no top, barefoot. His bum in his work trousers. Watching him get ready for work while I was curled up in bed.. I couldn't have wanted him more.
To me, he was perfect.

Monday 30th November
After spending the past 5 days together, from him being there for me at midnight, in a complete state, for his Birthday.. Dinner with his Family, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Friday night out with all his work friends, and being told our kids would be gorgeous and that we were a perfect couple.. And Saturday night, out again, no problems.
Monday morning, I woke up to a text.. 'Sorry babe! I'm going home with a lady'
I'd never been so scared. I couldn't get hold of him, and something his Dad said just didn't fit.
I went to see him, only for him to come up with something that I'd done had made him want to break up with me.
I just couldn't believe a word of it.
So many of the things he had said to me just didn't fit.
..On his way home from McDonalds, 'coming past the council offices'
Completely the opposite way. He'd have no reason to be near there.
The time he was up and about at on his day off after a night out.. I find it extremely hard to believe that he was up and about to go out for breakfast..

I could go on..

With being cheated on, lied to, broken up with and made to think it's my fault, all with no explanation or apology..
Long story short.. I was devastated.
Still am.
This is quite possibly the hardest thing I've had to deal with, and it's killing me.
Heartbroken isn't even the word.

I'm taking comfort in the fact that even his friends and family are looking out for me. It means so much to me that they're there and the things they've said have really surprised me.
My girls and guys have been amazing. In a way it's made me realise how lucky I am to have friends like this lot.
My Mother, trying to hold it together for me, is simply one in a million. I think she's cried just about as much as I have.
I haven't plucked up the courage to tell my Dad yet. I know once I tell him, there's no going back. How do I tell him that the guy him and Genine met last week, the same one that had a full on guy talk about rugby with him, and played games with her son.. The guy they both loved and thought loved me that it's over. More so, why it's over.

I've never been made to feel like this before. But I have to get through it. I'm surrounding myself with the people that mean the world, and knowing that I mean the same to them and keeping myself busy.
It's going to get harder before it gets any easier.

I hate myself for missing him and still loving him.
But I do. I love him.

I have to get through this.


'There once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her heart.'